I have this Hope…

Well I’m hopeful I’ll find it soon.

Hope is a funny thing. People say hope you’re well. Hope to hear from you soon. Hope my team wins the match.

Are they just words.

Empty words.

Do you really care if your team wins.

Are you really hopeful.

What is hope.

What does it mean to be hopeful.

To have hope.

How do you find it.

I know it’s out there. I googled it. I’ve read the mantras. Brought the poster, the T-shirt. I’m surrounded by hope or so I’m told I am. I should be. New year. New you. It’s 2019. It’s a new day. I should be hopeful but I’m not.

If you’ve been following my blog you’ll know I’ve not being doing to well. I hit a big wall. The big ‘D’ wall. More like ‘D’ hole. The ‘D’ Pit of despair. Depression. It stinks.

It hurts everyday to wake up and feel nothing empty. My brain is spiralling out of control. I feel like I should be doing something, anything, everything. But I have no energy, no motivation, no strength.

I’ve lost my spark.

Did I have a spark to begin with?

It’s been so long I don’t remember.

Depression has dug me into a deep pit of darkness, doom and ditched me there to die.

That’s what my brain says. thinks. repeats.

Doom. Depression. Every positive idea is replaced with a negative thought. Shutdown.

You’ve been here before. I thought you were strong. Tough.

The affirmations, the prayers the daily routines.

But this time what Depression doesn’t know is. I’ve been here before.

I’ve been through this all before. So if Ive been here before. If I could get through it then, then I can get through it again.

I am a child of God. So that means I am victorious. I think. I hope so.

This is what I have to remind myself of every minute, every second, every day.

I whisper it. I’m victorious.

I want to shout it. But I can’t because I’ll let you know a secret. I don’t believe it.

Depression has ripped it all out of me, I’m lying here hopeless. But I’m hopeful.

I have this hope.

Hope. I have to be.

I’m hopeful.

One day soon I’ll smile again.

I have this hope.

One day I’ll roll out of bed happy.

I have this hope.

One day soon I’ll be hopeful for the future.

I have this hope.

This light.

This spark.

This fire.

Every time I wanna give up.

Every time I’ve had enough.

Every time I want to scream, shout or cry.

I have this hope.

I have a hope.

I have my hope.

I am hope.

Hopeful.

If Depression can take my joy, my happiness, my spirit, my energy, my everything.

If Depression can make me feel alone, worthless, like a failure, like a mistake.

If Depression can make me not recognise my own reflection.

If Depression can make me hate myself. again.

If I can give it that power.

If I can give it the key to my box.

It can think it’s won.

But it doesn’t know about the box I keep hidden.

It doesn’t know about hope.

It thinks it’s won.

I think it’s won.

I let it win.

I’m about to lock the door. Give Depression the medal it deserves.

It gave a good fight. I had some convincing points. You’re Depressed. Yes you. This is your future now.

And then there’s a tap.

Light.

Gentle.

Until it turns into a tug.

Then there’s tearing and throwing there’s terror.

But I’m not terrified.

I’m not scared.

There’s someone on my side.

They’ve got my back.

I just forgot.

I have hope.

I’ve always had hope.

How could I forget hope.

How far we’ve come.

Every obstacle we’ve over come.

Hope has my hand.

God has my heart.

And if God has my heart I have faith.

And if I have faith I have love.

And we’re changing the story.

You thought you had won Depression.

God. Said no.

You thought you had victory Depression.

God. Said no.

You thought you were big depression.

God. Said no.

You thought d…

God said save your energy. Rest.

I think I’m going to be ok.

I have this Faith.

It’s not a feeling or a thought it’s fact.

I thought it was small.

I thought it was minuscule.

Correction. I’m going to be ok.

Hope has my hand.

God has my heart.

It make take some time.

I know Patience has never been your best friend.

But you have to Trust, Hope, have Faith and Know.

The depression will last for a season.

The diagnosis is not a label.

The deep hole will be filled.

The darkness will fade.

You will smile again.

Yes your big goofy smile that shows all your teeth.

You will smile again.

I have this hope.

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